


Golden Blues

by Star_Sargent



Series: ◃Giftober▹ [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Anakin Skywalker Whump, Eating Disorders, Hearing Voices, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi Will Give It To Him, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Obi-Wan Kenobi, Self-Worth Issues, Suicide Notes, The Force is a Shitty Dad, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:00:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27117139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star_Sargent/pseuds/Star_Sargent
Summary: ⚠ Please read the tags carefully! ⚠Anakin Skywalker has succeeded as the chosen one but it doesn't feel right. He struggles to come face-to-face with his problems after killing the man behind them, luckily Obi-wan is there for him.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Series: ◃Giftober▹ [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964287
Comments: 16
Kudos: 77





	1. Love,

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Luka_Lorie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luka_Lorie/gifts).



> Black is calming, cold but nice.  
> Grey is confusion, unwanted and blinding.  
> White is endless, always walking, always screaming.

Soft footsteps echoed through the empty halls, dust now littered them. Many Jedi were lost during the war, now it was finally over...

The Chosen one rose, defeating the main cause of the war. He killed someone he thought he trusted. Now Jedi were just cleaning up, stopping low-criminals and destroying any other blockades they couldn’t before.

Everything seemed to just...

**Die.**

"Anakin." A delicate voice rung behind him.

"H-huh..?" He spun around. "Oh, sorry Master." He offered a sheepish smile to the older.

"Now, now Anakin. What have we said about addressing me as your Master?" Obi-wan crossed his arms, pulling a stern face. Anakin knew he was joking but couldn't help but cower under the gaze.

"D-don't do it anymore." He mentally smacked himself at the stutter, he carefully fiddled with the end of his left sleeve, pulling it down to his knuckles whenever it rose.

Obi-wan sighed, walking over to him. He gently cupped his face, tracing his cheekbone with his thumb. "I am so proud of you Ani. You did what Qui-Gon thought you'd do, I bet you've made him proud." That handsome freckled face didn’t look good worried, he preferred him to be happy.

Anakin held his breath, trying not to break down in his former master's hold. "Y-yeah..."

"You alright?" His hands moved to Anakin's shoulder, ready to pull him into a hug if needed. "I understand you and the Chancellor were close. I know you feel betrayed, trust me. I've been there."

Anakin hummed, offering a small smile. "So many good people were lost in the war..."

And just as he suspected, he was pulled into a hug. Obi-wan radiated comfort in the force as Anakin practically fell limp in his hold.

“Oh, my dear… I know, we all miss them…” _Ouch,_ that made Anakin feel guilty for even daring to think about them. Everyone was sad, his problems didn't matter. “You’ve dealt with a lot these past days.”

“I think I’m just going to go to sleep for now…” He gently pushed Obi-wan away before hurrying to his quarters, he wanted to be held by Obi-wan oh so desperately… He blushed, scolding himself for the thought.

  
  


He sighed as he looked at the box of his possessions, as a Jedi he shouldn’t have this but it was nice remembering his past. He sat on his bed, holding the small box close. It was simple when he held in his treasure box, things that hold deep meanings. He was always reflecting on his past. A small smile was plastered on his face as he took out something that meant a lot to him.

Obi-wan’s Padawan braid.

He found it in Obi-wan’s bin when he was fourteen, the other Jedi had kept it before realising it was childish of him to keep it. Anakin stumbled across when he was looking for his Master.

He kept it with his and Ahsoka’s braids, it was kinda creepy to save them but it didn’t matter. He put the braid back, glancing at the other items he has. Old lightsaber… Small cogs from Tatooine… His golden cybernetic, the one that got cut off on Nelvaan. It was only a small part of it since the rest was lost, his eyes skimmed over at two rings on a string.

He grabbed it, thumb gently tracing the details of Padme’s ring. She gave him along with his braid, she tried to give him back the necklace he gave her when they were young. A silent sob escaped his lips at the thought, _so much lies._

He found her cheating, she admitted she didn’t feel the same way. He also confessed he was in love with someone else, they stayed friends. That’s all that mattered.

He looked at a small key. Under his bed, there was a box that held two important lightsabers. It was one of two things that proved he failed as a Master. Tears began to pour down his face, just like how he’d cry after making sure they were in good condition every week.

The door suddenly slid open and Anakin let out a shriek of surprise, he quickly shoved everything back in the box before closing it and looking at his door.

“H-hi Obi-wan…” Anakin softly chuckled, he looked away as heat rose to his face from Obi-wan’s piercing gaze. He gently wiped his eyes, still refusing to make eye-contact.

“You dropped your lightsaber, I would’ve returned it earlier but you were gone and I had a meeting with the council…” He could feel Obi-wan’s gaze shift to the box before quickly returning to him as he let out a small hic.

Anakin sighed, swinging his legs off the bed and walking over to the older Jedi. He grabbed his saber and attached it to his belt muttering a quick ‘Thank you’ as he went back to his bed, he didn’t mind Obi-wan’s sudden appearance but looked up when the man didn’t leave. His eyes were focused on the box on Anakin’s bed, _did he see what was inside?_

Obi-wan copied him, sighing as well, he walked over to Anakin while trying not to step on the parts on the floor. The bed dipped to the side as Obi-wan sat next to him, he hesitantly looked at his former master’s face, _his eyes._

A comforting hand was placed on his back, rubbing small circles. Anakin bit his lip before wrapping his arms around Obi-wan’s neck, he shoved his face in the older’s chest as he sobbed.

“It’s alright Ani, you’re okay dear one.” He heard Obi-wan sigh from above him.

“I-I was s-so scared, e-everyday… I c-could’ve l-l-lost you..!” Anakin sobbed, grasping Obi-wan’s tunic.

“Rest, you deserve it. You deserve _so_ much more.”

It wasn’t long before Anakin fell asleep, face buried deep in Obi-wan’s chest. He kept rubbing Anakin’s back until he heard soft snores.

Obi-wan gently laid Anakin on his bed, stripping him of any unnecessary clothing that could be a bother as he slept. His eyes wandered over to the box, it was a fair size, just enough to hold spare droid parts.

At least, that’s what Obi-wan assumed.

He grabbed the box which was at the end of the bed and placed it on Anakin’s workbench, he went back to the young man, placing a small kiss on his temple. Obi-wan was about to leave but Anakin’s cybernetic latched onto his wrist, pulling him on the bed with him.

“Stay…” Anakin silently whined, wrapping his arms around the older’s neck and pulling him close.

Obi-wan sighed and wrapped one arm around Anakin’s waist, he was thin. He’s noticed many changes in Anakin recently, normally flinching whenever someone spoke to him which was normally congratulating him. The harsh scratching on his neck and left arm, sometimes his hips… Could Anakin be hiding a wound?

So many changes…

Anakin woke up with a small yelp and tears streaming down his face along with swinging his limbs around but this time he felt restrained, an arm was wrapped around his waist, causing him to panic as he started to thrash while repeatedly muttering ‘let go’.

“Anakin!” Two hands came to cup his face, it was meant to comfort but Anakin just froze as he let out a stifled cry. “Anakin, dear…”

“No more!” He sobbed, completely stiff as he broke down. He kept his eyes shut while tears streamed down his face.

“Ani, please listen to me. Can you open your eyes?” The voice was soft, just like… But the hands weren’t thin and skeleton-like, they were caring not dead.

Anakin’s eyes fluttered open, his body still racking with ugly sobs. “M-Master?” He winced, _Kark_ … “O-oh force!” Anakin yelped, shuffling backwards which made him fall off the bed with another yelp.

“Anakin!” Obi-wan hurried off the bed, sitting beside Anakin as he grasped his hand. Anakin lifted their connected hands, watching in awe as they were intertwined.

“Is this real? I feel numb…” He confessed, hesitantly looking at the older man’s face. “Obi-wan…” Anakin whined, he stared into the older man through his teary blues, desperate for the man to tell him that-

“Anakin, you have to tell me what’s wrong dear…” He hummed, his free hand came to cup Anakin’s jaw. “It’s okay… But I need to be able to understand before I help.”

Anakin knew he was getting caught in the moment, either sad or… _Yeah_ … He’d start spewing out words which wouldn’t make sense, endless clues as he tries to hide the truth. His mouth opened but no words came out, he shut his mouth looking at the Jedi in front of him. Anakin yanked his hand away, arms wrapping around Obi-wan’s neck as he smashed their lips together.

Both of their eyes widened but they didn’t pull away, instead, Obi-wan pulled him closer. His arms slithered around Anakin’s waist, his eyes were half-lidded, staring into Anakin’s bright blue ones as they gently shut.

They pulled away, Anakin’s eyes fluttered open before widening as he pushed the other away. He crawled backwards, tensing as he hit the wall. Anakin began to cry again, shoving his face in his legs as he wrapped his arms around them. Obi-wan was in shock, he pressed two fingers to his lips as he ran his other hand through his hair.

“Anakin…” Obi-wan looked at the young man, a soft smile coming to his face. “Hey…” He crawled over to him. “Please look at me… Ani.”

Anakin shook his head, burying his face deeper in his legs. Obi-wan groaned, grabbing Anakin’s wrists to unwrap them from around his legs.

“Let go! **It hurts**!” Anakin cried, grabbing Obi-wan’s shoulder in a bone-crushing hold using his cybernetic hand before jerking away. He shakily stood, staring down at the man with pity. “I’m… Going to use the refresher…”

“Oh, dear.” He jumped up, rushing after Anakin. He did have a hunch that Anakin was hiding an injury from his fight with Sidious. “Anakin..!” He slid to the refresher door just as it shut, Obi-wan sighed, gently knocking. “Please sweetheart.”

“G-go away!” His voice was shaky. “I’ll… I’ll come out later, o-okay? I p-promise…” He could hear water running, tuning out Anakin’s small voice.

“Alright, but can we talk about this when you’re done?” Obi-wan begged. “I’m not mad Anakin, I just… _I care about you Ani, okay? I love you.”_

Anakin wobbled over to the mirror, his heart fluttered, rapidly beating. He stared at his figure, grasping his hair as he started to cry. He had bags under his eyes from his sleepless nights of nightmares, but he actually got some sleep because of Obi-wan… He was such a child…

But the way Obi-wan held him, reminding him of that night with the Chancellor… _Those nights…_ His breathing hitched as memories flooded his head, he felt paralyzed despite the fact his hands were tugging his hair, desperate to get him out of his trance.

He could feel thin fingers running down his sides, gently scratching as he let out a moan of protest. Before he knew it he was in the shower, cold water pouring onto him, wetting his clothes.

Anakin took a shaky breath, peeling his clothes off and chucking them out of the shower, any place he felt a touch that wasn’t his he dug his nails into his skin, painfully pressing his cybernetic fingers against his wrist.

“My boy, hurting himself because he can’t face the truth.”

Anakin let out a shuddering gasp as he collapsed to his knees, desperately clawing at his wrist, he watched as angry scabs started to bleed as he let out a small giggle. Anakin rested his forehead against the tiles of the shower, letting the cold water hit his body, slowly relaxing him.

“I’m so sorry…” He softly cried, putting his weight on the wall as he stood. “I’m a mess…” He groaned, turning off the water and wobbling out of the shower. Anakin fell to his knees again, right in front of the bathroom counter. He quickly opened one of the drawers rummaging through it as blood seeped down his arm when he couldn’t find what he wanted he looked through another drawer. “P-please…”

He flinched when he touched something sharp, but immediately grabbed it, he pulled it out and pressed it to his wrist. Anakin slowly dragged it across his skin, making sure he felt the blade slice it. He marvelled at the pain, admiring as blood began to rise as poured out of the wound, how the skin around became an angry red which seemed to make his skin seem pale. Anakin repeated the action multiple times, he overlapped old one and deepened the new ones. He didn’t stop until his whole wrist was all red and numb. 

Anakin shuddered, grabbing the end of the counter and pulled himself up, sitting on the edge as he pressed the blade to his hip. Obi-wan was just lying, he's trying to get Anakin to trust him before he tells him how disgusting he is. Why would Obi-wan want someone who couldn’t protect themself, someone who repeatedly breaks the code.

Obi-wan has always been there for him, he was the only person Anakin has… **Had.** His mother died, Padme cheated, Ahsoka left, every Jedi hates his guts…

Anakin let out a small strangled cry, like always when he was doing… _This._ He’d get lost in his thoughts and end up overdoing it. Anakin sighed, looking at his bloodied state in the mirror, both hips and inner thighs had blood running down his skin. He narrowed his eyes as he stared at his neck, four deep lines on each side and one light cut in the middle. **Anakin had sunken low, hadn’t he?**

Anakin sighed, sliding to the floor as he crawled back to the shower, he was a fool. A fool, something other slaves would call him if he tried to protect his mother. He let out a soft groan as the water began to hit his irritated skin, washing away the blood. He winced as the hot water seeped into the wounds, adding a sting to the pain.

Anakin gently tugged on the bandages, making sure they were tight enough. He patted the ones on his hips and thighs before dressing, like always he’d check that his bandages were covered so nobody would notice them. Anakin looked at the box on his workbench, did Obi-wan go through it? He scrunched his face as he walked over to it, he flipped the wooden lid, eyes scanning over everything. Anakin let out a small sigh of relief, he closed the box and picked it up.

He caressed the box before walking to the side of his bed, sinking as he pushed it under and besides something that was forced into his possession, they weren’t his but he made sure they were ready for their owner’s return. Anakin was about to stand but a crumpled piece of paper caught his eye. He reached for it and unwrapped it, immediately reading it.

It was one of Anakin’s old… _Letters._ He’s considered the destructive way of dying, the thought of leaving either Obi-wan or Ahsoka clueless had crossed him one to many times. This one had been for Obi-wan, of course. He scratched his neck as he read whatever sappy thing he wrote.

Anakin tensed as there was a knock on his door. “Anakin?” He jumped over the bed, sliding to the door and opened it, offering a grin to the smaller man in front of him.

“Obi-wan.” He nodded, scrunching the paper in his hands. Anakin scanned his expression, his smile turning into a small frown. “Everything alright?”

“We really need to talk.” Anakin tilted his head at Obi-wan’s worried tone.

“This is a different topic from earlier, isn’t it?” He asked. Obi-wan noticed something, did he put the blade away? Clean the blood that dripped on the titles? Thoughts started to flood his head, he tried to listen to Obi-wan but everything was so loud…

“Anakin, you’re bleeding.” Anakin flinched as Obi-wan cupped his jaw with his left hand. The right one was tracing his neck. **Oh.**

“A-ah! I’m fine Obi-wan! Truly.” He gently pushed Obi-wan away, regretting it after the smaller man's warmth left him. “I’ll go clean it…” Anakin huffed with a smile, chucking the paper behind him and left.

Obi-wan was somewhat stunned, looking at the paper Anakin had carelessly thrown. He hesitantly walked over to it and picked it up before heading to his room. His room was right beside the bathroom, meaning he could hear Anakin scolding himself from the room as he sat on his bed. Obi-wan uncrumpled the paper, taking note of everything, the first thing he noticed was that the paper was old, slightly ripped and dusty. It was handwritten and some of the paper was creased, from tears.

_“Dear Obi-wan..._

_First of all, I want to apologize for always being a stuck-up brat, I’m sure everyone can agree with this and I’m sorry you were always the person to deal with me in a_ **_mood.”_ ** Most of it was roughly scribbled out, doing a good job of covering what Anakin wrote. “ _Perhaps when the war is over, ~~us and Ahsoka~~_ _ ~~could become a family?~~ Act like a family? _ _”_ Obi-wan’s heart fluttered, the note must’ve been from a year ago if it mentioned Ahsoka. _“I don’t expect us to_ _ ~~do~~_ _be like that, I admire you, more then I admire the other Jedi. ~~I love you but I’m sorry I left you, maybe we’ll meet again?”~~_

Obi-wan sat up, reaching for a small picture on his bed-side table. It was one of him, Anakin and Ahsoka, all laughing and having fun. _Like a family._

_“Love, Anakin Skywalker.”_


	2. Anakin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin letting his emotions get the best of him which ends up in a rash situation.

Obi-wan watched as Anakin paced around their shared quarters, clearly frustrated. It’s only been a few hours since Obi-wan read the note, deeply considering many things he hasn’t thought Anakin would relate to at all. The younger man hopped onto the kitchen counter, placing his head between his hands as he got lost in his thoughts.

The ginger glanced up at Anakin, looking at him in pity, his eyes snapped back to his book when Anakin looked at him, a scowl took over the others face as he hopped off the counter and went to Obi-wan’s room.

“Anakin!” Obi-wan jumped up, walking after him. He sighed as he watched Anakin from his doorway with his arms crossed. “Can you tell me what you’re looking for? Maybe I could-”

“I’m fine, Obi-wan…” Anakin offered a small smile, it looked so wrong with his frantic eyes, so… _Fake._ “I’m sorry for entering your room without permission.” He quickly walked to the door, trying to push past Obi-wan.

“Anakin, dear… Can we talk now?” Obi-wan grabbed his forearm, eyes widening as Anakin let out a stifled cry. He gently pulled away from Anakin. “We **really** need to talk and now is better than later.” Anakin faintly blushed, backing into the door frame. “Dear one, if you’re injured please let me look.”

“I’m fine! It’s just like a papercut, not harmful and small but hurts when it comes in contact with something!” Anakin waved him off, giving him an almost genuine smile. Obi-wan knew he was lying, the letter was all the proof he needed but if he brought it up, force knows how Anakin would react.

“Anakin, explain your neck then.” He gestured towards Anakin’s neck which was covered in bandages, he could feel Anakin tense as he scratched his arm. They were close, both of them on each side of the door frame.

Obi-wan could feel the Force become angry with him as he reached for Anakin’s hand, tenderly caressing his knuckles. The Force treasured Anakin, like a protective parent, if he was injured everyone would feel it’s sadness. It would encourage Anakin’s reckless acts, cheer him on as he trained or fought. It was a mystery with Anakin and now they could finally confirm why. But if Anakin was really in pain wouldn’t the Force want Obi-wan to help him? Or was he poking far too much? Obi-wan let his eyes get caught on Anakin’s arm, carelessly bandaged.

Obi-wan’s eyes widened when he saw blood seep through them, he jerked back and cupped Anakin’s face. “Please dear one, let me help you.” Anakin pursed his lips, bright blue eyes now seemingly blank, his cheeks were slightly swollen as tears rolled down his _beautiful_ face but they held no emotion, just blank empty tears.

“I’m s-sorry Obi-wan…” Anakin apologising? Yes, he’s heard him say sorry before but this was face-to-face, _much more_. “I… I’m so sorry a-about this too…” Anakin raised his right hand, gently pressing two cold metallic fingers to Obi-wan’s temple. “Sleep.”

And then Obi-wan’s world faded to black, it was cold but quickly replaced with a comforting warmth.

  
  


**Anakin let out a small peep as he was shoved against the desk, he stared at the man— no— thing in front of him. He was desperate to fight back but couldn’t move, only giving** **_it_ ** **a frightened expression which was hidden by a sneer although it barely looked threatening considering his weak state.**

 **Two hands latched onto his thighs, spreading them as a figure stood between and forced his legs around** **_its_ ** **waist. A gasp escaped his lips when his boxers were ripped off, his fingers curled around the ends of the table as he stared out the window, watching the sunset in the far distance behind many buildings.**

**“You’re beautiful my dear boy.”**

Anakin jolted up, his blankets were drenched in sweat making him feel disgusted. Whenever he was sweating he was reminded of that time in the office, violated on that desk. He’d always look outside to distract himself if he wasn’t able to look out Anakin would feel it all.

He slipped out of bed, kicking random droid parts that were on the floor to relieve his anger. Anakin quickly got dressed and sat on his piles of empty crates, trying to meditate. It’s been what? Almost a month and his life had just become more of a mess with Obi-wan snooping.

Anakin winced as he clasped his hands together, pain shooting through his arm. He let out a soft groan, trying to become calm but failing due to his massive clump of emotions. Anakin just decided to get ready for today.

He walked out of his room, rolling his shoulders back until he heard a crack. Anakin walked over to the refresher but stopped in front of Obi-wan’s room, he hesitantly opened the door and walked over to the bed, heart beating fast at the sight of him. Anakin crouched down besides Obi-wan, gently brushing his ginger hair out of the way to reveal his gorgeous face. 

Anakin was a mess, a fool and he agreed with those assumptions. He caressed Obi-wan’s jaw, lifting his head and brushed their lips together. He could feel sparks flaring through his body as he eagerly shoved his lips against Obi-wan’s with more force than before. He was a lovesick fool, his emotions were a mess. **He was wrong, he was disgusting.**

Anakin pulled back, staring at the floor with a glare, unwanted tears rolled down his face as he pressed his thumbs together. Anakin tensed when he felt a hand on his cheek, he hesitantly leaned into the touch and looked at the man. “Morning dear one.” More pathetic tears rolled down his face as he gazed at the man in shame.

He felt Obi-wan wipe away his tears. Anakin weakly sat up, desperately smashing their lips together. “Obi-wan!” Anakin cried, crawling into bed next to the older man.

They parted and Anakin shoved his face in Obi-wan’s chest, his body shook as multiple apologies came out of him. Obi-wan softly smiled, running his fingers through Anakin’s messy curls. “Anakin, please look at me.”

Anakin glanced up, his bright blues pierced Obi-Wan's calm blues. He had a deep blush on his face with tears streaming down the face, his bottom lip quivered ever so slightly. All of it was replaced with a stern face, trying to mask his emotions.

“O-Obi-wan… I am _s-so_ sorry…” Anakin winced at the voice cracks. “I don’t know what came over m-me—”

“I love you Anakin Skywalker.” Anakin piped up, he sat up properly, staring down at Obi-wan with wide eyes which were in complete awe. “I’ve been in love with you for a while now.”

“But the code… Obi-wan yo—”

“Code be damned, I love you, dearie,” Obi-wan smirked, crashing their lips together which Anakin accepted hazily.

**What if Obi-wan cheated on him like Padmé? They’d break up and have a one night stand a year later then Obi-wan would die.**

Anakin violently shook, pulling back as he covered his face. He was enveloped in a warm embrace, he shoved his face into Obi-wan’s chest and cried. _“P-please… Please don’t l-leave me…”_

“I wouldn’t think of it.” Obi-wan hummed, pulling Anakin closer. They stayed like that, for a while until everything became overwhelming for Anakin, he weakly pushed Obi-wan away and got out of bed. “Anakin… I love you.”

“Oh, Force... I k-know you taught me b-better than to let my emotions get the better of m-me, I’m so sorry to d-disappoint you like… _T-this…_ I cannot return your f-feelings as much as I w-want to… I… I’m sorry for bothering you.” Anakin sobbed, storming out of the room.

Anakin groaned as walked into the bathroom, he let himself sink to the floor as his knees buckled. He could feel hands all over his body, gentle but cruel praises floated around the room, taunting him. Anakin crawled over to the drawers, yanking it open and pulled out the sharpest thing he could find.

He rolled up his sleeve, quickly unwrapping his bandages and pressed the object to his wrist. Anakin took a deep breath before digging it deep into his skin and dragging, he continued until he was a withering mess, the voices finally stopped but all he could picture are those very images that _it_ planted into his mind.

“Oh, Anakin…” He looked up, eyes widening at Obi-wan’s worried face. Anakin covered his arm but Obi-wan just crouched next to him and gently intertwined their hands, he sighed and helped Anakin up, setting him on the counter before wetting a towel.

“I’m sorry…” Anakin muttered, resting his head against the wall as his vision blurred. He kicked his legs around, trying to distract himself from the sting pain of cold water on his arm.

“Anakin, never apologies for what you’re dealing with, if you’re hurt I want to know… I want to help Anakin, please let me!” Obi-wan begged, tears welling up in his eyes. Anakin stared at him with a raised eyebrow, he was starting to act out due to mass loss of blood. “Did you… Anywhere else?”

He shook his head, scared of what his voice would sound like. After Obi-wan finished bandaging his arm and whatnot, Anakin finally made proper eye contact with him. A small giggle left his lips as he shoved his face in the crook of Obi-wan’s neck. “W-why… So h-handsome and out… of m-my league b-but you…” Anakin pulled back, pressing a kiss to Obi-wan’s cheek before hopping off the counter and wobbling out of the room.

Obi-wan stared in shock as Anakin left, no. Not because of what he said or the kiss but because Anakin’s eyes were yellow but it was just some parts almost like it was trying to take over, small gold fragments floating in Anakin’s eyes. He shouldn’t like it as much as he does but it really made him look _beautiful._ Completely gorgeous with golden blues.

  
  


Two days since Anakin had last talked to Obi-wan, he was embarrassed and it was unusual and Anakin didn’t like it. He didn’t dare to bat an eye to the older man if they’d ever crossed paths, Obi-wan would always try to talk to him. He was always so worried, never believing that Anakin was old enough to take care of himself.

During those two days, he’s made a _bloody_ mess of himself, reopening old scars as well as adding new ones. Anakin would stop if he could but he could only hear that cruel and gentle voice whispering in his ear how much trouble he’d be in if he went with Obi-wan, he was praised like some animal when he refused to be with the man. _Anakin should’ve accepted no matter how loud they got._ Maybe with Obi-wan, he would’ve actually been happy…

Anakin sighed, soft scribbles came from his desk as he wrote on a crumpled piece of paper. He rested his cheek on his palm, occasionally glancing out his window to look at the grey skies as rain started to patter against the glass, Anakin dared to think about how much nicer it’d be with the sun setting. He could feel the cold radiating from outside… It felt awful… Anakin sighed, trying to finish but the thoughts kept stopping.

There was nothing more that he wanted then to be gone, disappear and never return. It was at times like this that Anakin wondered what would happen if he was never found? He wouldn’t be in the position that’s for sure.

Anakin furrowed his brows, he shuffled a bit, now resting his check on his knuckles as he bit on his thumb. A sniffle escaped Anakin as he started to write again.

_Love, Anakin Skywalker._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Black is relaxing, brings better feelings and doesn't blind you.  
> Grey is the middle, unsure and halfway through.  
> White is bright, like the thoughts and spirits taunting and _taunting._


	3. Skywalker.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The white tide surround.  
> The grey slowly forming.  
> The black taking over.

**Anakin cried as he was penetrated, he was always doing this, offered as a reward to bounty hunters. Whenever this happened he was called into the Chancellor's office, immediately thrown into a room with the hunter and… Yeah…**

**They’d make him pretty with cuts and blaster wounds, some engraving their signature into his skin, of course, he healed himself…** **_Somehow…_ ** **But in the end, he was just a toy to their game, brought to his weakest. They’d use it to their advantage, blackmail him into helping them with jobs.**

**He could only imagine what would happen if the Jedi found out…**

Anakin curled up on the couch of his and Obi-wan’s quarters, he gently bit his knuckles, squirming as repressed memories came up. He could hear the faint click of a tongue then the voice of Pal— No, Sidious.

**“You would’ve been strong, Lord Vader.”** Anakin groaned, shoving his face in a pillow, he wrapped his arms around it and nuzzled close. **“It’s a shame to see you in such a pathetic state.”** He lifted his legs, gently swinging them in the air like some teenage girl in all those holomovies Padmé forced him to watch for _fun._

Was that what his life was? A movie? How pathetic. But time does move quite fast in movies and how long has it been since the Chancellor's death? Almost three months, two months since Obi-wan found him in one of his weakest moments. Anakin let out a scream which was heavily muffled by the pillow.

Anakin sat up, he wiped away tears that started to form. He laid on his back, eyes fluttering shut as he tried to sleep but everything just went to the endless white abyss that’ll forever haunt him. He’d just float there, not able to breathe. Sometimes the white would become black and he’d finally be able to take a breath. And if it was grey he’d start to fall, choking on sobs as his mind was flooded with memories.

White was light, blinding and meant to be free.

Grey was just too confusing, cloudy and in the middle of the **mess.**

Black was darkness, calming and breathable, actually letting you free.

He opened his eyes, glaring at the ceiling. He laid there for a while until his stomach started to growl to where he got up and went to the kitchen. **“Look at your body, disgusting. Maybe you should eat less? It’s much better without muscle too, you’d be quite beautiful with curves and exercising removes any point of your existence.”** He remembers those days very clearly, starving himself while forcing himself to vomit, hoping that it’d stop if he just did what was requested. Surprise, surprise; It didn’t, _it worsened._

Anakin opened one of the cabinets, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. He didn’t realise how dry his throat was until now, he’s been neglecting himself a bit… But it wasn’t that bad, was it. Anakin ran a hand through his hair, just now noticing how much of a knot it was, he sighed, looking out the closet window. The sun was setting, seeing how the sky was a fluorescent pink and orange, a shiver ran down through Anakin as he filled the glass again, trying to distract himself by drinking too much water.

It’s what he’d do, not eat and just drink so much water if Obi-wan or Ashoka were with him he’d only eat a little. Anakin continued until his fingertips were becoming numb. He groaned, placing the cup in the sink, he let his hand slowly slide down the counter, his fingers curled around one of the drawers handles. Anakin slowly pulled it open but at the first glimpse of a shiny blade, he slammed the drawer shut, taking a shaky breath he walked away, going to the refresher.

  
  


“Anakin.”

Anakin glanced up, a large grin coming to his face at the sight of Obi-wan. “Obi-wan..!” He giggled, stumbling over to the man and embracing him in a tight hug. “Oh, I missed you…” Anakin nuzzled against his ginger hair before resting his chin on his head.

“Missed..?” Obi-wan said in disbelief. “Anakin, you reek of alcohol… _And sweat._ Did you go to a club?” Anakin whined as he was pushed away, he sunk to his knees and wrapped his arms around Obi-wan’s legs, looking up at him with tears rolling down his face. “Did you get in a fight?”

“No… _Maybe..?”_ He muttered, Obi-wan groaned, cupping beaten Anakin’s face. “I was f-flirting with this guy… One of his friends got d-disgusted and threatened me… And before I left we fought in the alley behind the bar…” Anakin’s eyes fluttered shut as he leaned into Obi-wan hold, not seeing the look of jealousy and annoyance on Obi-wan’s face.

“What did you do with this _guy?”_ Obi-wan grit out, he shouldn’t be jealous but what if this stranger took advantage of Anakin?

“We m-made out in the back…” Anakin slurred, his voice sounded cheery, almost lovingly. “He then took me to one of the rentable rooms…” Obi-wan narrowed his eyes, tilting Anakin’s head to the side as he looked at his neck, a few hickeys and a beard burn. “Don’t worry!” Anakin jumped up, immediately grabbing onto Obi-wan’s shoulders to steady himself. “It was better than Pa—” He started to choke, it didn’t look natural like someone is making him. Anakin ran off to the refresher.

Obi-wan pinched the bridge of his nose, he followed the younger man, finding him with his head hovering above the toilet as he emptied himself. He crouched beside Anakin, gently rubbing his back and pulled his hair back as he sobbed. Obi-wan tried to ignore the faint; _‘I’m sorry sir’s_ that left Anakin’s lips. Obi-wan grabbed Anakin’s wrist when he saw him shove two fingers in his mouth, they both flinched as Anakin whimpered at the pressure on his arm.

“Anakin…” It was obvious he’d still go through this choice of coping but he didn’t expect Anakin to use sex and alcohol as a coping mechanism for what it was he’s going through, He’s only now starting to realise what Anakin uses to cope. “Please let me help, dear one.”

Anakin weakly stood up, Obi-wan followed, wrapping his arms around Anakin’s waist to steady him. He looked down at Obi-wan, offering a small smile, his blank eyes finally shining with the slightest bit of hope. “P-please don’t get m-m-mad…” Anakin whispered, carefully pushing Obi-wan away to slip his jacket off.

Obi-wan watched as Anakin took his shirt off, revealing multiple burn marks, bruises, cuts and gunshot wounds. Some were new while the others looked like they’ve been there forever, just, haven’t disappeared yet or healed... Anakin walked over to the counter, jumping on it as he unzipped his jeans, pulling them down. Obi-wan looked away but eyes carefully went back to Anakin at the gentle call of his name.

Anakin’s hips were covered in bandages, his inner thighs too but just like his torso his legs were marked too, if you looked close enough you’d see faint engravings of initials. Anakin kicked off his boots, showing off his bloodied ankles.

“Anakin…” Obi-wan hesitantly came to his side, gingerly tracing the bandages. He doesn’t cry, no, he’d be strong for the man he loves. He looked up at him with a pitiful expression which made Anakin scoff.

“You can take them off if you want to see.” Anakin quietly slurred, every voice in his head was telling him how much of a fool he was, that Obi-wan was just curious and would abandon him in a heartbeat but even so… He wants to show Obi-wan, let him know that there is trust between them.

Obi-wan shook his head, caressing Anakin’s body. “You need to have a shower, get rid of the blood and ease your muscles before you’re unable to leave bed to… _mor… row…”_ Obi-wan trails off as Anakin cups his face, lifting it so they make eye-contact. He can’t help but get lost in Anakin’s blue eyes, admiring the gold fragments that float around in them.

Anakin looked uneasy. “Can I? I really want to k-kiss you…” Obi-wan chuckled, pressing their lips together. Despite the slight taste of bitterness from Anakin vomiting earlier, he was sweet, almost like a juice. It’s expected since whenever Anakin drank he got sweet but strong drinks.

They pulled away and Anakin looked at him with half-lidded eyes, a goofy smirk played on his lips as he stared at him. Obi-wan gently smiled, patting his thigh. “Have a shower then come to my room when you’re finished, I’ll have clothes waiting for you, okay?” Anakin nodded, starting to unwrap his bandages as Obi-wan left.

Obi-wan fidgeted with his fingers as he walked to Anakin’s room, he felt like a teenager with a stupid crush all over again. He gently hummed as he walked over to Anakin’s dresser, Obi-wan rummaged through his clothes. He pulled out a grey shirt and black pyjama pants. (Of course, he got briefs for him) Obi-wan closed the drawer, freezing at the sound of metal scratching against wood. He opens it again, searching until he finds a small razor with bloodstains on it, Obi-wan’s heart sinks at the sight. He pockets it, snooping around Anakin’s room for anything else that’d be harmful towards him.

When Obi-wan was done he had a small collection of sharp objects in his pocket, he glanced over at Anakin’s desk, a bunch of ripped and scrunched up papers but in the middle laid a piece of paper. He walked over to it and read over whatever Anakin wrote, he read the others too, trying to ignore the annoyance in the Force which was strongly surrounding him. 

**I love you Obi-wan, I always have, always will.**

**What if we met but weren’t Jedi, free to love?**

**I’m sorry I’m annoying, you and Ashoka must hate me, you would’ve been a better Master for her, maybe she’d still be here.**

**I mess everything up, don’t I? That’s why no-one wanted me around.**

**Just a slave.**

The list of depressing sentences went on, from Anakin being bullied by the other Padawans to his eating disorders. Although Obi-wan couldn’t help but feel he was missing a large part of the story. Obi-wan noticed a pen-drawn portrait of what appeared to be him..? It was well-drawn, it was in black and had red hearts around it, the eyes were a light blue and had stars in them. 

Obi-wan’s heart fluttered when he saw Anakin’s signature on it as well as Anakin’s favourite three words which always made Obi-wan shiver. Well, they were on every one of his suicide notes… How was he even this calm? Not freaking out? Right, because he had to stay strong for Anakin. He took a step back, glancing at the note in the middle, the one that appeared to be the final one. He stared at the bottom of it, eyes watering at the three words that might haunt him for the rest of his life.

**_Love, Anakin Skywalker._ **

Obi-wan finished drying Anakin’s hair, watching as Anakin tightens his bandages, he pressed a kiss to the back of Anakin’s neck and gently pulled him close. “How do you feel?”

Anakin shrugged, he didn’t want to talk since his words would just be slurs since he was still intoxicated. He leaned into Obi-wan’s hold, already drifting off in the warmth of his _boyfr—_ **_Former Master._ **Anakin grabbed Obi-wan’s shirt, yanking him forward to meet his lips. Obi-wan could feel Anakin trying to reach out to him in the Force, it felt far away, too far for his liking.

Obi-wan hummed, shuffling around to grab the blankets at the bottom of the bed and pulling it up to cover them both. Anakin happily sighed, snuggling close to Obi-wan before soft snores took over his body.

He laid Anakin’s head on his pillows, resting his chin on Anakin’s head. Obi-wan softly sighed, familiarizing himself with Anakin’s choice of shampoo as he nuzzled into his curls.

**“I love you, Anakin Skywalker.”**

  
  


Anakin groaned as sunlight started to beam through his window, he sat up and rubbed his eyes before noticing an arm draped over his lower torso. Anakin looked beside him, seeing Obi-wan, he tensed up as he realised he was in the others room and not his own.

He tried to push Obi-wan away but it just ended up with the man closer, Anakin whimpered, shutting his eyes and began to thrash. Everything was overwhelming, not to mention he’s got a killer headache, from alcohol and the voice that lives in his head.

When Anakin no longer felt restricted he grabbed his ears, clawing at them, desperate to drown out the ringing as well as the constant roaring of _its_ voice. But it all stopped when he felt a pair of lips against his, a calming Force signature surrounded him, protecting him.

Anakin’s eyes fluttered open, he was breathing heavily as sweat poured down his body, he pulled away, staring at Obi-wan.

“F-Force! I am s-so…” Anakin whimpered, hating how much his voice is portraying him.

“Anakin, you trust me, right?” Anakin nodded, shoving his face in Obi-wan’s chest so he could cry without looking at the ginger’s pitiful expression. “Can you tell me what’s gotten you like… _This?”_

Anakin slumped against Obi-wan, everything coming back to him a weighing him down. “ **Don’t you dare, if you do they’d be your final words.”** He shook his head but before he knew it he was staring in Obi-wan’s determined eyes. Anakin grabbed his shoulders, affectionately pressing their foreheads together as he tried to revive their broken bond. Small shards of memories finally coming back to light as they merged into a powerful stream in the Force, as soon as their bond came back to life, Obi-wan was struck with multiple visions of… _Anakin… Getting…_

“Kriff, Obi-wan! I didn’t mean too, oh— I am so— Please don’t...” Anakin crawled away, slipping out of bed and running to his room, leaving Obi-wan stun at what was going on. _All the pain…_

Anakin closed his door, he looked around his room, desperate to find something that would help numb everything, he looked through his desk drawers before noticing some of the papers had been moved, some uncrumpled. _Did he..?_ Where was his lightsaber?!

**“I didn’t think my death would come this soon, but I’m glad I could find a replacement. You’d make a mighty Sith my dear boy. Just know, after you stick me down, I’ll be in your head. And I’ll take over once you’ve killed yourself.”**

_“Kill myself..?”_

**“You’ve thought about it, and I’ll be dragging you to the edge.”**

Was Sidious really pulling him down this whole time? Anakin walked over to the side of his bed, crouching beside it and pulling out two boxes, they both held forbidden attachments, a curse he seemed to find himself wrapped in. He rummaged through the first box, throwing everything out of it until he found a small key. Anakin sighed in relief and quickly unlocked the second box, eyes gleaming at the sight of his former Padawan’s lightsabers.

The door slid open, making Anakin squeak at the sight of a worried Obi-wan Kenobi.

“Oh, dear one…” Obi-wan sighed, carefully walking over to Anakin.

“Stay away!” Anakin sobbed, grabbing one of the sabers and holding it to his chest. He stood up, staring Obi-wan dead in the eyes with tears streaming down his face. “I-I Will do it!”

“Ani…” Anakin shuddered at the tone Obi-wan used. “Calm down, we can talk about it.”

“Why?” Anakin twirled the saber, igniting it, he admired the faint green glow it gave off. “I lost them, I lost them all and nobody cared, the only one who did betray me…”

“I underst-”

“No you don’t!” Anakin laughed, walking over to Obi-wan. “You never will…” He caressed Obi-wan’s cheek, very aware of the hand reaching for the Ashoka’s lightsaber. “Don’t ever think you will…”

Anakin twirled the saber one last time before shoving it in his chest, he ignored the faint yell from Obi-wan as he dropped to the floor.

**“Love, Anakin Skywalker.”**

**That day his bright blue eyes had a beautiful shine of gold in them, a young man, suffering when no person should go through. Now Anakin Skywalker softly breaths, motionless under the careful watch of Obi-wan Kenobi.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off how I see life.
> 
> White is emptiness.  
>  Grey is cloudy.  
>  Black is calming.
> 
> Feel free to hit me up on my [Tumblr](https://star-sargent.tumblr.com/), I'd very much enjoy it. <3


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